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If you've ever referred to your mother or your daughter as your best friend, the book "Too Close for Comfort? Questioning the Intimacy of Today's New Mother-Daughter Relationship" is for you.

Authors Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer contend that firm boundaries are key to the mother-daughter relationship. The Chevy Chase residents combined personal experience, professional knowledge and anecdotal evidence to develop their roadmap for a successful mother-daughter bond. The book describes the unique bond between mothers and daughters, explains why it is healthy to be supportive rather than enabling, and identifies seven archetypes of mothers.

Gordon and Shaffer bring a wealth of professional knowledge to the project. Shaffer is a long-time educator and gender equity specialist who currently serves as executive director of the Maryland State Parental Information and Resource Center. Gordon is a clinical social worker and family therapist.

The two women met many years ago when their sons played basketball together and quickly realized they had a lot in common. This is the duo's fourth book, following "Why Boys Don't Talk," "Why Girls Talk" and "Mom, Can I Move Back In with You?"

As part of their research for this book, Gordon and Shaffer conducted several 90-minute focus groups of eight to 10 mothers or daughters. They found the participants through word of mouth and online; most of the ethnically diverse subjects were middle class.

"The boundaries between mothers and daughters, and maybe even parents and children, have shifted," Gordon says, pointing out that mothers and daughters have never had so much in common, sharing interests like careers, clothing and music.

"There's a lot of generational overlap," Gordon says.

This gives the illusion that mothers and daughters are at the same place in life, she observes, especially in cases where mothers are empty-nesters and their 20- and 30-something daughters are living on their own. In such situations, a significant amount of free time to spend together is available. Moreover, Shaffer adds, technology makes it extremely easy to keep in close contact.

Parenting has changed in recent years as well, Gordon says, noting, "We're so mindful of our children's feelings."

And while this can lead to a feeling of connection, it also can lead to a feeling of entitlement on the part of the child. People in their 20s and 30s often think, mistakenly, that they should still be the center of their parents' attention. The mother who focuses too much on her daughter's life runs the risk of undermining her daughter's sense of self and her self-esteem.

"You sort of don't know where your life ends and your daughter's begins," Shaffer explains.

Instead of that co-dependence, mothers and daughters should aim for respectful independence.

"They just can't be best friends because the mother remains the emotional caretaker," Shaffer says, adding that best friends should be peers.

Since women tend to want to connect verbally more than men, overstepping boundaries is particularly dangerous.

"It feels intrusive because we have permission to say so much to each other," Gordon says.

To avoid that, she says, moms and daughters need to be more objective about what the other says, and to be able to tell each other when feeling smothered without fear of hurting the other. If a mother drops by unannounced, for example, her daughter should let her know that she prefers a phone call first.

"That daughter has every right to expect her mother to hear that in a non-threatening way," Gordon says.

As difficult as it is, Shaffer hopes readers learn that the struggle to maintain a healthy mother-daughter relationship is very normal.

Shaffer herself had to negotiate a sticky situation recently when her 34-year-old daughter and her family decided to move from New York to Los Angeles. She had to come to grips with the fact that her daughter was making a choice she didn't necessarily want her to make.

"I had to sort of practice what I was talking about," Shaffer says. "It wasn't pretty all the time."

"Too Close for Comfort? Questioning the Intimacy of Today's New Mother-Daughter Relationship" is available for purchase at www.parentingroadmaps.com and at major online booksellers.